Stella Blue

My life with metastatic breast cancer.

It’s simply love.

8 Comments

It has taken me four months to write this post. Four months that seem like an eternity. December 27th, 2012 was the day that my life changed forever — it spun out of control and I lost sight of everything. Well, almost everything. In some ways everything became clearer than it’s ever been before. I’ve lost a lot in four short months — a life without worry and fear, the ability to create dreams for the future, my hair. But what I’ve found is love. I don’t mean that in a cheesy, “all you need is love” kind of way. Or maybe I do, because there is nothing else that is more important now than love.

If you’re like me you have always loved your friends and family, even though at times it may have been challenging. This love is there now in fact, but maybe you take it for granted. I know I did. The love that is present in my life now is so much more powerful. It’s rooted in my gut so deeply that I am often overwhelmed by the feeling of it. It’s demanding and relentless, my desperate and constant companion. Every second I spend with a loved one, whether it is a family member, friend, or even colleague, is weighted down with this feeling of love. I always want more and the sadness of someday losing it sends me reeling, grasping to hold on as long as possible while it pulls away slowly, quietly. It dances at the fringe of my fingertips, flirting with me in the most devastating way.

I feel this way towards everyone in my life, even strangers. This is more compassion than love I suppose, but it’s just as deep. I see things in a way I’ve never seen them before. Nowhere is it more present than at my hospital. I look around the waiting room while I’m there and secretly absorb the love that is all around. The elderly husband pushing his wife in a wheelchair, bending down to catch her magazine as it falls to the ground, her baseball cap hiding a fine wisp of hair. The weary mother of a disabled adult, patiently requesting that he speak with her in the hallway as he yells at her and causes a scene, her hand lovingly pressed to the small of his back. The parents of a little girl, her pale and tired form molded perfectly against her mother’s chest, the father bending slightly to brush his lips against the crown of her bald head. I wonder what we must look like sitting there, me and my husband. I wonder if anyone notices our love in such a way, these little details which are now so obvious to me.

One of the things that has struck me since being diagnosed with stage IV cancer is the need to live for the day. Being a planner by nature, this is very difficult for me and something I struggle with constantly. I try to find something beautiful each day to appreciate and remind myself that tomorrow is never promised, not for anyone. Some days it is very hard to see through the dense fog of my disease and I have to consciously seek out that one thing of beauty. Other days are abundant with opportunities. I’d like to leave something here that will help all of us remember to find this beauty in life, and I plan to do this as close to daily as I can manage. Today I’ll leave you with a picture of the most ferocious love in my life, my son. I hope you all have someone who threatens your heart to burst as much as this guy does mine.

these two teeth

Cheese!

8 thoughts on “It’s simply love.

  1. Cheri,
    I am so happy to see you finally start writing! You have always been such a voracious reader and it shows in your writing. Such a touching way to begin your journey with words. I love you sweetie……Aunt Teri

  2. Beautiful words from a beautiful person! Thank you for the inspiration sweetie…I’m so glad you’re writing – you’ve always been a writer…Remember the playing card you gave me with one of your pieces written on it? We were all of maybe 14…and you were one of the deepest people I knew 🙂 Wish I still had that one!
    Love You So Much!!!
    Amy B.

  3. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings. All of us need to remind ourselves to live each moment. You are a gifted writer and I never would have known this since we only know one another through work. I admire the compassion you feel for others and please know it comes to ten fold to you.

  4. Just simply a well stated testimony to not living a life but loving a life. You are tenacious and you have always been a fighter. Continue to plan that life it just tells cancer it has no place in your future. Good luck to you thank you so much for sharing!

  5. Cheri,

    Wow, you are an amazing writer. Your thoughts are beautiful. Thank you for sharing and letting us be there for you along the way.

    xx
    a n n a

  6. Oh my gosh, Cheri, I can hardly see for the tears streaming down my face! I forgot how powerful your words have always been! You have always made me proud of you, but today my cup runneth over with pride! I love you Sissy!!

    XOXOXOXO
    Mom

  7. Cheri, your words are so true! Beautifully said. And as a survivor, I understand your words. You are so right, no one has the promise of tomorrow. So keep a positive attitude and always know you are loved by so many. One being, an aunt. Love, Aunt Denise

  8. Cheri,

    You were always a great writer! You are an amazing women, mother, and daughter. I love you!

    Vicki

Leave a Reply to Carolyn Lievens Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s